How to Handle a Difficult Conversation

Time to Complete

40 minutes

What principles, ground rules, and concepts are at play here?

1. If you want to hear a different conversation, you have to hold a different conversation.
2. Ask clarifying questions – not to rebut or dismiss, but to understand.
3. Disagreement is fine. It’s fruitful. Don’t try to win it or paper it over. Explore it.
4. Consider the possibility that, on any given issue, your information may be incomplete.
5. Listen in the way you would like to be heard.

Preparation

Ask students to do the following preparation before coming to class (or you can give them  5 minutes in class to do this now):

• First, think about a difficult conversation you had in the past few days or so.  A difficult conversation is any conversation about a topic you find it hard to talk about, or one that didn’t go the way you want it to.
• Second, ask them to jot down some notes in which they describe the situation in some detail – who was involved, what happened, what did you do, what went well, what didn’t go well.

Part 1 - The Three Conversations

Step 1 (10 minutes):

1. The what’s happening conversation: what people say and what happens while saying it
2. The feelings conversation: how people feel about what they say, what they hear and the others in the conversation
3. The identity conversation: what we believe the conversations says about us – our self-image, our reputation and our self-esteem

In everyday interactions with friends and family, when talking about everyday topics, things tend to go smoothly. But some conversations are more difficult than others.  A difficult conversation is anything you find it hard to talk about and the outcome is uncertain.  Important stuff might be at stake.  Or perhaps we care deeply about the person we are talking with and feel vulnerable.  Typically we put off such conversations and we think about what we will say or how we will feel.  And we are not looking forward to the conversation.

Ask the students to take some time now to think about a difficult conversation you had in the past few days or so.  One that was on a topic you find it hard to talk about, or one that didn’t go the way you want it to.  And make some notes describing the situation in some detail – who was involved, what happened, what did you do, what went well, what didn’t go well.

Part 2 - The Pitfalls in Each Conversation

Step 2: Analyzing and Planning for Difficult Conversations (15 minutes)

As you think about your difficult conversation, look for the three conversations within it and notice that there are several pitfalls for each:

The “what happened conversation” pitfall:

• While we think we know exactly what happened, the situation is more complicated than I realize and that the other realizes, and each of us sees what happened differently.

The “feelings conversation” pitfall:

• The situation is emotionally charged for each of us, and those emotions can get in the way of understanding each other.

The “identity conversation” pitfall:

• The conflict/difficulty we experience affects how we view ourselves, how we think others view us, and how we view others.  Understanding this can help us see each other more fully.

Step 2: Analyzing and Planning for Difficult Conversations (15 minutes)

With this brief introduction pass out the “Analyzing and Planning for Difficult Conversations” worksheet and ask students to complete that sheet, getting a far as they can in 10 minutes.

Step 3: Triad discussion (15 minutes)

Put students into groups of three.  That group of three goes through the following steps for each person

• Student A briefly tells the others about the difficult conversation and the three conversations within it. while students B and C listen for the three conversations. (3 minutes)
• Discuss what you heard in each of the conversations. (2 minutes) Any thoughts for clarification? What did you learn? Any insights
• Repeat the process with students B, then C, taking the lead. (5 minutes per round.)

Step 4: Whole class discussion (10 minutes)

Teacher discusses the experience with the students. Here are some possible questions:

• What did you notice about the tree conversations?
• Were you able to find the three conversations?  Was one easier to find that another?  If so, which one? Why do you think that is?
• What are your key take aways?

Part 3 - Turning a Difficult Conversation into a Learning Conversation

Review the “Difficult Conversations: The Three Conversations summary sheet” with the students.   After reviewing each of the three conversations, ask the students to talk in traids (the same as above or different ones), to discuss how they might use the “learning conversation” column to improve future conversations.

Follow-Up Ideas

• Students can observe conversations (difficult or not) at home, in school, with friends and notice how the three conversations emerge there.
• The next time students are in a difficult conversation they can try to use the “learning conversation” goals to turn the “battle of messages” into an opportunity to learn.